Today it's exactly one month since I got the phone call in the middle of the night asking me to come home asap as amma is not well. At that time little did I expect that my life is never going to be the same again. I couldn't believe it when they told me finally the next day or even when I actually saw her lifeless body. But now that my life is thrown out of sync, I'm slowly realising what has happened and what's the impact of it on me.. Two days before death she wrote in her diary that the whole night she was having a dream that I got lost in a thick forest and is struggling to find my way. And I realise how true her dream has become..
So far I was oblivious of my surroundings and was leading a blissful life.. But now I seem to be in charge of everything.. Suddenly I became responsible for things I have never done or heard of before - handling property documents, sorting out bank accounts, checking the investments they have done, trying to locate the bank locker(I didn't even know how the locker key looked like!), making bill payments, pension issues, insurance, electicity, water, gas, ration card or even simple things like deciding the wage of the maid servant or the driver.. I was someone who never cared about finances and mom or dad used to take care of everything. Even my tax excemption investments they only used to make and my contribution ended in giving them a cheque once in a while and then collect the bills when it was time for proof submission. But now when I sit in front of all these documents knowing nothing about it, I just wish I could make one last phone call to mom and ask her what it's all about..
On the other hand there are many things going out of my hand and I stand there helpless.. For some matters, there seem to be too many people deciding for me and they don't even bother to ask me what I want. There are too many people managing or giving directions for my day to day activities.. And they doesn't seem to realise that I also have a mind of my own.. Then there are others who urge me to sell my house and ancestreral property as I won't need it at all!! If I ask does that mean I should never ever come back to my home town - the place where I grew up , the place where all the memories are still fresh, the place where my ancestors are resting, the place where I can bond - there is an easy solution. You can buy a flat which is much safer! Then there is presure to give the house for rent coz there is a prospective tenant who needs a place urgently. Was he waiting for mom's death? Then there are the 'kudiyanmars' who lives in my ancestral property and they urgently need some more land to build a 'sarppakaavu' since they have lot of problems due to the lack of it and I need to give them an answer in two days. And I didn't ask why they didn't face any problem all these years when my parents and grandparents were alive..
And the next hot topic is my marriage. Everyone wants me to get married asap. I even got a complete biodata of a prospective groom on the 10th day ceremony for which I had to give a decision almost immediately and the person made it clear that he won't accept a 'No' from me. It seems some people have given character certificate about me and there are some families intereted in absorbing me to theirs. I never knew I was such a hot commodity in the marriage market!! I know many of them might be doing this coz they are too eager to help.. But I donno how someone can think of such things when the mind is totally devastated..
And I guess it's these troubled times that you really come to know how people behave in different situations.. Mom always used to scold me saying I believe people blindly and will end up in trouble. And I used to fight with her saying all people are basically good and if someone behaves otherwise there will be a definite reason for that. I used to believe that I have the knack to deal with them..In fact I have a history of earning the trust of the so called 'goonda's and 'bad people' and many a times I have managed to change them at least to some extent. It's not that my beief has changed, but I am just surprised at the insensitivity of people and of people taking advantage of the situation..I feel like how can they do things like this at this time?
There was a time when I wanted someone so badly, but there was none.. Even people close to me were avoiding me like plague coz they said they don't know what to talk to me.. Sometimes someone will call me and after the usual hello, there was silence.. And I had to take the pain of striking a conversation..But I also came to know the good side of many people.. There were people reaching out to me from far and wide, people whom I have never met, people whom I have never talked,.. Many called me, many mailed me, many are constantly supporting me via chat every day, many took pains to come and meet me, there were people who even flew down to be there when I needed them.. And yes it's a sooting feeling to know there are so many people to support me..
Emotionally also I am going through a tough pace.. My landlord was telling my friend that I have become moody and irritable.. I am staying here for 9 years and think this is the first time he is seeing this side of me.. He was telling me that he is not even able to look at my face as he can't find any trace of the old smiling and cheerful face.. I know it's true.. I'm getting irritated at the smallest possible things.. I was known for my patience and I have no idea where it has vanished when I need it the most.. I'm breaking down at the smallest comments that people make.. Even day to day things I'm finding it hard.. My house is a big mess with things scattered all around - some my things, some mom's things, some stuff that I had to take with me when I locked the house and I'm not able to do anything with it.. I just stare at it thinking that will help!! I was supposedly a good cook but now a days whatever I make is either burnt or is half cooked.. This is what a dear friend wrote to me when I told her that I'm yet to come in terms with the reality..
"it will take at least 6 months ... before it sinks in... you will cry at the least thing .. you will see a reminder in everything around you .. you will talk to her and rave and rant .. you will ask her why she left so soon ... you will always wonder why you were not there .... and, then she will speak to you and place her hand on your heart and soothe the pain away .. she will tell you everything will be alright ... this will take at least 6 months .. loss causes the greatest grief .. the deepest sorrow .. nothing compares and the healing takes a long time. It took me almost 1 year or more .... so dont wonder ... you just allow the pain to hit you ... cry as loud as you need to ... dont pretend that it doesnot hurt ... with every ventilation .. there will be a small release ... please dont be strong as people will ask you to ... you need to endure your weakness to find your strength.. read your blog ... it does not talk about the nothingness you are experiencing .. this nothingness is a sublimation of the cutting pain in your heart ... you need to talk about that to someone ..."
Even my other friends say that I need to talk about it and they are all ears.. But even that I'm unable to do..I know I will never be able to talk to someone about my emotions.. It's not because they are not close enough, but it's my limitation.. And that's the reason why I decided to write whatever I'm feeling.. I really hope it helps and I can return to normal soon..And hopefully this will be my last random rant post..I really hope so..