Thursday, December 10, 2009

Difficult relationships

I grew up seeing people close to me bidding good byes at the most inappropriate times.. I was so unfortunate that I couldn't see my paternal grandparents as both of them died much before dad got married. And the first death that I could remember is that of my maternal grandfather when I was three years old. I remember sitting in his lap when he was talking to his friends and guess that night he died. Amma was pregnant then.. Later so many others bid good bye including my little bro, cousins , uncles, aunts etc. At one point there was a death every year and it went on for 9 continous years. We met for the the first anniversary rituals and soon after used to get the news that someone or other got a heart attack or a stroke. It was like you get up in the morning with a thought "Who Next?" if you got what I mean..It was so scary and we used to wonder what doom has befallen us.. And then sometimes close friends moved out coz of education or transfer or some such thing.. Most of these people were very close to me and I even used to fear that it's because of me that such things happened to them - I felt like I'm bringing in some ill luck to whoever is close to me. Even now when I'm close to someone I've a fear at the back of my mind that I'll loose them sooner or later..

But these set backs also made me value relationships more and used to guard it so fiercely..I used to write long letters to my cousins staying out of town( even though most times it used to be a one way communication).. They used to tease me that I'm totally jobless and hence I write.. I always took the initiatives to keep in touch with old friends and also made sure I visit my relatives whenever I go to hometown. Many of my friends have told me that I'm the only person who still wishes them on their b'days or other occations. When I am in Thrissur I used to call up all the numbers in my phonebook and amma used to complain that phone bill shoots up whenever I come home. Now when a schoolmate finds me in orkut they ask me if I have any contact with my close friends in school. They are astonished when I tell them that we are very much in touch even after 14 long years.. Many a times I've taken pains to mend a broken relationships coz I felt any relation is too precious to loose.. Of course there are some rare cases where I have failed or felt it's not worth mending.. I even advice my friends to cling to a relationship even if they feel it's time to quit.. But today I just quit..

Yes I lost one more person though thankfully not to death..In fact it's more like death with a difference that what's dead is a relationship here.. And guess what it's exactly 3 months since I lost mom and six months since I lost my aunt who was my pseudo mom.. I'm scared of 3 month milestones now!! It's not that I am miserable or something, but just wondering.. What's the purpose of a relationship? What happens when you end a relationship so abruptly? How do you remove all the childhood memories that you have of that person? People say blood is thicker than water. But if you have to end such a relation then what's the relevance of other relations? And worse I'm getting my fear back.. Is it MY ill luck? I'm really scared to be with people now.. What if they also leave me one day?

I then read one of Preeti's older article and now I know. I don't know how she always reads my mind! So What are you? A Reason, A Season or a Lifetime?