Orphaned...

Amma also gone...

Just 1.5 years after acchan and exactly 3 months after her sister.. She might have thought it's better to be with her husband and sister and all other dear and near ones than her cursed daughter..

So now no more phone calls fretting about small things..no more worries, no more concerns.. My phone will never again receive a call from 'Home'.. I didn't call home when I reached here today and I realised never again will I make another phone call to home informing I reached safely..

Now there is no place called 'home' to go back.. Although everyone is inviting me to stay with them when I come to hometown next, there will never be another place like 'home', a place to just be yourself.. a place to just eat and sleep without doing any work.. Just a locked house and memories and painful silence is all that remains..

When I came home for Onam I never dreamt that it's going to be my last home visit or that's the last festival I'm celebrating with my family..I remember the Onasadya and all my favourite dishes mom had made.. Now no one will ever cook any of those dishes for me..For that matter, no one will ever know what my favourite dishes are.. Last time when I left home to catch the train without eating the food amma had made,little did I realise that I had just missed the last chance to have "mom's cooking".. I look at the salwar material that she gave me this Onam and realise that there will never be another 'onakkodi'..I am wearing the salwar she had pressed and kept, knowing very well that this is the last time I'm enjoying that privilege and no one will ever do it for me again..

Some people tell me that I used to be their subject of envy before - single child, undivided attention - but they say now they realise the absurdity of it. No one to care, no one to turn to, no one to talk to, no one to give advice, no one to fight with, no one to ask for an opinion, no one to bother even if I die in the middle of the road.. How can someone be considered lucky in such a situation?

I know GOD gives hardships to the ones very dear to them, but I never knew I'm so much dear to HIM. I used to pray every day, but have never asked for any favours so far.. but now I am praying for one boon - Please give me the courage to survive in this big bad world..

"...But don't YOU go anywhere"

[I apologize for blurting out like this.. I never intended for people to come here and feel sad. But writing has always been a way for me to vent my emotions and so I wrote this when I was feeling really low. Next day, I wanted to delete it, but there were already some comments,so I left it as it is..]


"How are you?"
This is the most frequently asked question to me in the past one month and my answer has always been "I am fine" or "I am doing good". I have no idea why I always lie to everyone, or for that matter even to myself, whenever I encounter such situations. Fact is, I have never been fine and have been struggling to appear normal all these days..

Sleep constantly eludes me when I need it the most.. Sometimes, I used to sit up quite late just to fight the memories..Coz the moment I hit the bed, how much ever tired I am , the memories keep flowing like a storm, keeping me wide awake for hours... I used to believe it was the sweet memories that kept us going, but now that I know none of them will ever come back again, it has become a painful realization.. I am gripped with an insecurity feeling when I realise the fact that the person who was my constant support all through my life is gone, and I have no one to turn to..

It's even more challenging when I come back to my hometown. The easy chair in the front varendah is now empty.. The person who always awaited my arrival with lot a of changes(coin denominations), in case I fell short of them for the auto, is no longer there.. There is no one to ask me how my train journey was or whether I got a berth or whether I slept well in the train. During meals, the chair next to me remains unoccupied, unlike the last time or the million times before.. He was the one who inquired about everything that happened and the one whom I talked to most in the family.. But now I find a strange silence surrounding me..

For me, being in Bangalore served as a kind of rescue, as I could get busy with my work or, at the very least, hallucinate that everything is normal and what happened was just a bad dream.. Sometimes when Amma calls me, I find myself waiting for her to hand the phone to Accha, yearning to hear his usual first question "Kunjumol bakshanam kazhicho?". He was always worried that I wouldn't eat properly especially when I was left alone.. However, Amma always ended the call without passing it to him..

Sometimes, I getup in the morning thinking I heard him call me, only to realise it was only uncle to give the milk.. How much I wish to hear his voice, his characteristic cough,... When I realise that it will remain this way forever, and we'll never ever see him again, I'm feeling dizzy..

People keep comforting me, saying he had a fulfilling life, and it was good that he passed away without much discomfort. I do understand that because just one month ago, he was diagnosed with a brain tumor and the doctors informed us that it was already in advanced stages and there was nothing much that could be done. He was rapidly losing his memory and required constant assistance. And they predicted that, in due course he would become paralysed as well. However, he never waited for his condition to deteriorate further.. His life motto was never ever bother others with your problems and he lived and died by that motto.. Many a times I have wondered why the symptoms never surfaced earlier, and I guess it was because he would have endured the pain silently..

No matter how much ever I try to comfort myself, I find it really difficult to accept the situation.. It just feels strange.. The day I came home in the morning just like any other visit, how we had breakfast together, how I said a hasty bye to him and went to attend a friend's marriage.. And just 1 hour later when I came back with all the marriage news to share, there was no one there to listen to me..

I know it wll be even more difficult for amma and I need to be brave and in control.. How I wish I had a sibling so that we could just look at each other and know that we share the same feelings.. Everyone keep scolding me, saying I should cry it out.. But how can I when I very well know that he never liked to see me in tears? I have no other choice but to hold it back, else I'll make him sad..

I know it's natural for our parents to die before us; but losing them is difficult to come to terms with, because you've lost part of your past, a part of yourself, a guardian, and lot more.. a hole is created and your world seems shattered..

Accha, I am missing you.. terribly.. Every single day..

To the first man in my life

Birthdays are a time for celebration. And what better way to celebrate my father’s birthday than by sharing my memories of him-the first man in my life. 

Whenever I see a heartwarming picture of a dad and his little girl, it takes me down the memory lane and brings tears to my eyes. It invokes thoughts of  the countless paths I have walked holding his hands and the countless times he has carried me on his shoulders, gently tucking me to sleep..

We have always shared a special bond, probably because of the huge age difference between us. He never refused me anything and consistently provided everything that I wanted. He is the one who boosted my self-confidence, taught me morals and induced values in me.. I don't know if I can find the right words to describe what he means to me.

My earliest memories of him are of a tall lean figure, always clad in a white full sleeved shirt and a sandalwood thilak on his forehead, who always looked terribly distinguished to my young eyes. Unill I turned 4 , I stayed in my mom's village since she was working there, while he worked in the town which was about 30 kms away. He would visit us during weekends, and the only thing I remember from those years is that he brought lots of goodies to eat and took me for walks to the nearby paddy fields. 

Shortly after, Amma also got a transfer to a school in the town, and that's when I started getting to know him better. His routine involved waking up early(4 am), taking a cold water bath, and then settling into his favorite easy chair in the front verandah with the newspaper.

He was always a cool and friendly person who generally never lost his patience. However, I vividly remember one incident when I received a good spanking.. When I was small, I had a strong fear of darkness. This restricted my free movement after sunset, especially since reaching the light switch was challenging for the four year old me.  Then one day, I had a brainwave and decided to turn on all the lights before it got dark, and promptly went ahead with my project diligently climbing on chairs, windows, and whatever I could to reach the switch.

Upon seeing all the lights on (even though it was still noon), he promptly switched them off. But me being the persistent kind repeated the exercise. This ON-and-OFF routine went on for a while until he eventually switched off the Mains. The next time when I attempted to switch on the lights, nothing happened. I did my investigation and discovered that the big green magic switch is pointing UP instead of down as usual. I climbed the window (It was way too high for a chair) and switched it ON. At this point, he lost his patience and disciplined me until the sticks broke into small pieces and my legs were all swollen. That was the first and last time he ever resorted to physical punishment!

When I was in the 4th grade, Amma got transferred to another district and would only came home on Sundays. For the next three years, it was just the two of us at home. Every day, he would cook rice( as that was the only dish he knew how to make) and pack my lunch box with rice and curds well before I even woke up coz he didn't want to see me struggle..

Every day, he would pick me up from school, just to buy something for me to eat on the way coz he knew I'd be hungry.. He used to get me chocolates without Amma's knowledge (she used to scold coz I made them my main meal and conveniently skipped proper meals). And guess what? He does it even now. He is yet to realize that I have grown up!!

He is the one who taught me to ride a bicycle,  showing me how to stay balanced, look ahead, and find the right speed. He employed the traditional method of holding onto the seat and running behind the bicycle. Although he would be too worn out at the end,  he never expressed it. Finally, when I could ride on my own, I felt so brave and happy...I am forever grateful for that life lesson, especially since it wasn't common for a girl to learn cycling in those days..

I know there were many times when I made  my own decisions, and even though he may have preferred a different path for me (like taking engineering instead of medicine), he never asked me to change it.  I know I have hurt him whenever there were arguments in the family, mostly regarding my marriage which I don't want. However, he has never hurt me back.. I wish I could make him all happy... He really doesn't know how much I desire to.

Now, he is getting older. He is slowly losing his memory,  and doctors say he has a weak pacemaker. Despite that, he is generally healthy. I realise it's now my turn to take care of him, but I'm staying away from home, and I'm not able to do as much as I want to do.. He welcomes visitors and enjoys talking to people , even though he often forgets what he asked. There have been times when I lost my patience, repeating the same things over and over. How I wish I had inherited his patience.. He loves to travel and wants to go out and walk through the familiar streets he frequented before. However, we make him stay at home coz he had blackout on a few occasions, and we are not sure whether he can manage alone..

I know he doesn't know what a blog is and will never read this. So I can safely say what I always wanted to tell, but never did.. I love you very much and will always remain your little girl, no matter how much I grow up.. I want to thank you for what you are because that helped me become what I am. I am really sorry for all the unfulfilled dreams that you have about me..

Accha, I'm Wishing you many, many, many more healthy and happy years of life..