Saturday, October 03, 2009


Amma also gone...
Just 1.5 years after acchan and exactly 3 months after her sister.. She might have thought it's better to be with her husband and sister and all other dear and near ones than her cursed daughter..
So now no more phone calls fretting about small more worries, no more concerns.. My phone will never again receive a call from 'Home'.. I didn't call home when I reached here today and I realised never again will I make another phone call to home informing I reached safely..

Now there is no place called 'home' to go back.. Although everyone is inviting me to stay with them when I come to hometown next, there will never be another place like 'home', a place to just be yourself.. a place to just eat and sleep without doing any work.. Just a locked house and memories and painful silence is all that remains..

When I came home for Onam I never dreamt that it's going to be my last home visit or that's the last festival I'm celebrating with my family..I remember the Onasadya and all my favourite dishes mom had made.. Now no one will ever cook any of those dishes for me..For that matter, no one will ever know what my favourite dishes are.. Last time when I left home to catch the train without eating the food amma had made,little did I realise that I had just missed the last chance to have "mom's cooking".. I look at the salwar material that she gave me this Onam and realise that there will never be another 'onakkodi'..I am wearing the salwar she had pressed and kept, knowing very well that this is the last time I'm enjoying that privilege and no one will ever do it for me again..

Some people tell me that I used to be their subject of envy before - single child, undivided attention - but they say now they realise the absurdity of it. No one to care, no one to turn to, no one to talk to, no one to give advice, no one to fight with, no one to ask for an opinion, no one to bother even if I die in the middle of the road.. How can someone be considered lucky in such a situation?

I know GOD gives hardships to the ones very dear to them, but I never knew I'm so much dear to HIM. I used to pray every day, but have never asked for any favours so far.. but now I am praying for one boon - Please give me the courage to survive in this big bad world..


mathew said...

Dhanya..i really dont know what to say...i can imagine the feelings you are going through...i dont feel like saying the cliched time will heal...but all i can say i can pray for you and your mom now..may god give you the strength and love which he surely would give you at this juncture...have solace in the fact that every human will have to meet such a point in life sometime or the other...


Jina said...


There is nothing which I can say will make you better.
I will pray for you to have the strength and courage
And sweety, I might be a total stranger...But I am here if you need a friend to hug or a shoulder to cry on.


Thulasy Mary Elizabeth said...


Be Strong.You will get over this phase and will be back to life.There are good people in this bad world and I pray that you will meet such people in your path of life.My prayers and love to you.

Amal Bose said...

i know nothing i say would heal ur pain, but you hav to hav the courage to face it..
and ur not orphaned, uve got ur frnz and all those who love u..

take care

Santosh said...

You are not orphaned Dhanya. You have all of us here as friends who care about you.

It is painful & difficult, but may you find inner strength & courage to carry on.

Padmaja Menon said...

Dear Dhanya,

I truly understand the pain you are enduring as I am also a victim of a similar situation..Don't worry is easily said , but believe me, God gives us the strength to bear all the pain and move on in life..No one is an orphan in this world.."God is our Saviour"..He will always be there... ANd of course the great friends who are our major asset... So chin up girl and Keep Smiling..:)

Manoj Prabhakaran said...

Dhanya, I stumbled on your post earlier today, quite by accident. Really sorry to hear about it.

I ended up talking to my parents longer than usual, this weekend...

Usha said...

Dhanya.. believe that your parents are with you.. their prayers, their blessings, their support, their love.. everything is going to be with you for a lifetime. You're still the very lucky one to have been blessed with your parents.

And you know what, you're the bravest of them all. I felt so small myself when I met you today, and know that I made a fool of myself by talking nonstop nonsense with you all the time. But anytime you need a friend, please don't think twice to call me. I promise I'll try to talk a little less nonsense the next time we meet.

You are in my prayers, Dhanya. May God bless you with more strength, courage and love.

sandeep said...

extremely sorry to hear this and i am not sure what to say. just wishing u the strength and courage to overcome this loss.

Sini said...

I don't know what to say to your ight now...

Preeti Shenoy said...

I cried when I read this post. I can relate so much.

If you ever feel like talking, I will call you. Mail me your number. My email is ps @

I cannot claim to ease your pain, but I can relate.


Nimmi said...

Manikutti, I cried when i read your post today. Dont you ever say that you are orphaned. I cannot say something that would soothe your feelings. All I can say is time is the healer and like everything else, you will get strength to come over this. You are always there in my prayers and my wishes are with you.

Flyaway Mind said...

i can deeply relate to each & every word u have written..hugs..hugs..hugs

fozylet said...

there isn't much i can say that'll make a difference... nor can i start to imagine what you might be going thru. though nothing compares, thought of letting you know that it's a small world and we're all in this together

Vaz said...

So Painful :(

Molly said...

I hope you find the strength to cope with this soon..

Soorya said...

Never posted anything here though I read it often.
Sorry to hear this! I am sure God will give you strength to guide you through this painful moment.
Hugs to you, Dhanya. You are indeed a very brave girl!

ap said...

So sorry to hear about this.
You wll be in our prayers.
I dont know what to say.
Hope God gives you enough strength to pull it through.


Richy said...

Take care of yourself Dhanya...God WILL give you the strength to carry on

idiot of indian origin said...

I was reading Cris' n suddenly you popped out...
my first encounter with you on a very sad note..
cry... grieve... mourn your amma.
cleanse your laden soul 'n come out of it a strong girl.
sorry da. TRULY.

Sadhana said...

you are not orphaned my dear. I'm there with you. All your friends loved ones will be with you!.. Take care

Prateek said...

I was awaiting an update to the blog, little did I know u'd be writing, 'the' most difficult one.... of the ones you'd written so far :-(
Words can't console you, but I hope our prayers and blessings of your parents, will help alter the difficult path, God has chosen for one of his favourite child.

Rajeev said...

Dear Dhanya,
try to develop interest in things you are doing and you long to do.Lonelines is something you cannot get just being in a family but living with a purpose.All the best for developing an inner strength to endure the pains of life.

Nandu said...

Dear Dhanya,

I couldn't control myself from crying at least few times when I heard teacher passed away.I could deeply feel that pain myself. We all know you from childhood without you knowing us much.

If at some point you think you want to talk to someone or getting in touch with someone please feel free to do so. This is not a casual invitation, it comes right from heart. Vinitha and myself care about you. I feel the pain so deeply as I care about my mother much more than anything in this world.

Please try to be positive. You are not a cursed daughter, but definitely a blessed one. And believe me you are not left alone either.


~mE said...

i read this and commented dont know where it disappeared.Lots of strength and love to you.
take care
S said...

I am posting a poem in my blog for you. Read it and compare your case with it and hopefully think how far better you are under the kind protection of God. Don't feel too much insecure, depend on your relatives and friends for family support. Now your first responsibility to the souls of your loved ones is to make your own family and carry forward the baton. Read the poem. Best wishes always.

Deepa said...

Dhanya, my prayers are with you. This is a difficult phase but your continued prayers will give you strength to be the positive person that you always are.

Shruthi said...

Dhanya, you are in my thoughts. We might not know each other personally, but any time you want a listening ear, for anything at all, no matter how small or large the matter, think of me. My email id is on my blog.

Nobody can replace what you have lost, but let it be known that there are others who also care for you.

Hugs and strength to you.

a theatre of the performing arts said...


Her gentle soul
was laid to rest
amidst the tears
the sorrowing hearts

Her gentle soul
was blessed by God
amidst a world
of fear and pain

Her gentle soul
brought joy and hope
amidst the lives
of young and old

Her gentle soul
God's gift to us
amidst the passage
of life and time.

I carry the memory of her face in my heart and it brings me joy, I recall her voice scolding me and moulding me into the woman I am today - bold, strong, loving and caring. Just like her. I promised myself that I would never lose sight of her as she was and is my strength and the soul stirring spirit that drives me on. Moving away from the sorrow of her loss ... moving towards a life she has groomed me for ..

Its been 4 years since my mother's been gone .. I still weep in the silence of my heart and feel her strengthening my soul. Today, I handle every challenge in my life with her strength and her faith in God. You will too, Dhanya. God be with you.

Sreejith Kumar said...

I have no words Dhanya. I understand the pain you are going through. Hopefully, it will make you more bold. My prayers.

kochuthresiamma p .j said...

my heart goes out to you, dhanya. give yourself time-things will come back to normal. besides, any change now can only be for the better.

cm chap said...

Dhanya... I'm extremely sorry about what has happened. I hope god gives you the courage and support.

Pooja Na(i)rayan said...

Hey ther:

Hope you are hanging in there. I am not someone who reads blogs daily nor someone who frequents your blog. But today I happened to land in your blog. And believe me, I feel hopelessly not being to be there for you. Someone I don't know, Someone I havent seen or talked to. Someone who was never a part of my life , but today I wish I can give you all my all courage, hope and prayers to fight . I havenot been in a situation u r in. But i feel your pain, I wish i can lend you hand. Dont lose hope, any time you lose courage I will give u all i have.

Inge said...

Hi Dhanya... just stumbled upon ur post accidentally ..

Oh my god... cant just imagine some...similarity between our lives...
I lost my amma jus two months back and I'm the only child of my parents ... acchan was gone long time back when I was just in school.
I'm also from trissur but born n bought up in delhi.
This pain is so overwhelming.... the pain of having no one to call your own.... the pain of knowing that there is no one to love you unconditionally ...n that pain of knowing that there is no one left with whom you can just be yourself and speak your mind.
I hope you have come out of this phase and I wish i do the same soon.

Take Care,

sujata sengupta said...

Take care of yourself and a big hug to you. No words will help, but I will be thinking of you.