[I am sorry to have blurted out like this.. Never wanted people to come here and feel sad. But writing has always been a way of venting my emotions and so I wrote this when I felt really low. Next day I wanted to delete it but there were already some comments and so left it as it is..]
"How are you?"
This is the question that I was asked the most in the past one month and always my answer was "I am fine" or "I am doing good". I have no idea why I always lie to everyone or for that matter even to myself whenever I encounter such situations. Fact is that I was never fine and struggling to be normal all these days..
Sleep is constantly evading me when I wanted it the most.. Sometimes I used to sit up quite late just to fight the memories..Coz the moment I hit the bed, how much ever tired I am , the memories keep flowing like storm and I'll be wide awake for hours together.. I had always thought it's the sweet memories that keep you going, but now when I know none of them will ever come back again, it's becoming a pain.. I am gripped with an insecurity feeling when I realise the fact that the person who was my constant support all through my life is gone and I have no one to turn to..
It's become even more worse when I come back to my hometown. The easy chair is in the front varendah is empty.. The person who was always waiting for me with lot of changes, in case I fall short of them for the auto, is no longer there.. There is no one to ask me how my train journey was or whether I got a bearth or did I sleep well in the train. While having my food, there was no one sitting in the next chair like last time or the million times before.. He was the one who was asking me about everything that happened and the one whom I talked to most in the family.. But now I find a strange silence around me..
For me being in Bangalore was kind of rescue as I could get busy with my work or at least hallucinate that everything is normal and what happened was just a bad dream.. Sometimes when amma calls me I wait for her to give it to accha, and long to hear his usual first question "Kunjumol bakshanam kazhicho?". He was always worried that I don't eat properly especially when I am left alone.. But amma always kept the phone down without giving it to him..
Sometimes I getup in the morning thinking I heard him call me only to realise it was only uncle to give the milk.. How much I wish to hear his voice, his characteristic cough,... When I realise that it will remain this way forever, and we'll never ever see him again, I'm feeling dizzy..
People keep comforting me saying he had a fulfilling life and it was good that he passed away without much discomfort. Yes I know that because just one month back he was diagnosed of brain tumor and the doctors had told us that it was already in advanced stages and there was nothing much that could be done. He was losing his memory rapidly and needed constant help. And they said in due course he will be paralysed as well. But he never waited for his condition to become worse.. His life motto was never ever bother others with your problems and he lived and died by his motto.. Many a times I have wondered why is it that the symptoms never occurred before and I guess it was just that he would have gone through the pain silently..
But how much ever I comfort myself, I find it really difficult to accept the situation.. It just feels odd.. The day I came home in the morning just like any other visit, how we had breakfast together, how I said a hasty bye to him and went to attend a friend's marriage.. And just 1 hour later when I came back with all the marriage news to tell, there was no one to listen to me..
I know it'll be even more difficult for amma and I need to be brave and in control.. How I wish I had a sibling so that we could just look at each other and know that we share the same feelings.. Everyone keep scolding me saying I should cry it out.. But how can I when I very well know that he never liked to see me in tears.. I have no other choice but to hold it back.. Else I'll make him sad..
I know it's natural for our parents to die before us; but losing them is difficult to come to terms with, because you've lost part of your past, a part of yourself, a guardian, and lot more.. a hole is created and your world becomes seemingly shattered..
Accha I am missing you.. Terribly.. Every single day..