"...But don't YOU go anywhere"

[I apologize for blurting out like this.. I never intended for people to come here and feel sad. But writing has always been a way for me to vent my emotions and so I wrote this when I was feeling really low. Next day, I wanted to delete it, but there were already some comments,so I left it as it is..]


"How are you?"
This is the most frequently asked question to me in the past one month and my answer has always been "I am fine" or "I am doing good". I have no idea why I always lie to everyone, or for that matter even to myself, whenever I encounter such situations. Fact is, I have never been fine and have been struggling to appear normal all these days..

Sleep constantly eludes me when I need it the most.. Sometimes, I used to sit up quite late just to fight the memories..Coz the moment I hit the bed, how much ever tired I am , the memories keep flowing like a storm, keeping me wide awake for hours... I used to believe it was the sweet memories that kept us going, but now that I know none of them will ever come back again, it has become a painful realization.. I am gripped with an insecurity feeling when I realise the fact that the person who was my constant support all through my life is gone, and I have no one to turn to..

It's even more challenging when I come back to my hometown. The easy chair in the front varendah is now empty.. The person who always awaited my arrival with lot a of changes(coin denominations), in case I fell short of them for the auto, is no longer there.. There is no one to ask me how my train journey was or whether I got a berth or whether I slept well in the train. During meals, the chair next to me remains unoccupied, unlike the last time or the million times before.. He was the one who inquired about everything that happened and the one whom I talked to most in the family.. But now I find a strange silence surrounding me..

For me, being in Bangalore served as a kind of rescue, as I could get busy with my work or, at the very least, hallucinate that everything is normal and what happened was just a bad dream.. Sometimes when Amma calls me, I find myself waiting for her to hand the phone to Accha, yearning to hear his usual first question "Kunjumol bakshanam kazhicho?". He was always worried that I wouldn't eat properly especially when I was left alone.. However, Amma always ended the call without passing it to him..

Sometimes, I getup in the morning thinking I heard him call me, only to realise it was only uncle to give the milk.. How much I wish to hear his voice, his characteristic cough,... When I realise that it will remain this way forever, and we'll never ever see him again, I'm feeling dizzy..

People keep comforting me, saying he had a fulfilling life, and it was good that he passed away without much discomfort. I do understand that because just one month ago, he was diagnosed with a brain tumor and the doctors informed us that it was already in advanced stages and there was nothing much that could be done. He was rapidly losing his memory and required constant assistance. And they predicted that, in due course he would become paralysed as well. However, he never waited for his condition to deteriorate further.. His life motto was never ever bother others with your problems and he lived and died by that motto.. Many a times I have wondered why the symptoms never surfaced earlier, and I guess it was because he would have endured the pain silently..

No matter how much ever I try to comfort myself, I find it really difficult to accept the situation.. It just feels strange.. The day I came home in the morning just like any other visit, how we had breakfast together, how I said a hasty bye to him and went to attend a friend's marriage.. And just 1 hour later when I came back with all the marriage news to share, there was no one there to listen to me..

I know it wll be even more difficult for amma and I need to be brave and in control.. How I wish I had a sibling so that we could just look at each other and know that we share the same feelings.. Everyone keep scolding me, saying I should cry it out.. But how can I when I very well know that he never liked to see me in tears? I have no other choice but to hold it back, else I'll make him sad..

I know it's natural for our parents to die before us; but losing them is difficult to come to terms with, because you've lost part of your past, a part of yourself, a guardian, and lot more.. a hole is created and your world seems shattered..

Accha, I am missing you.. terribly.. Every single day..